Thursday, December 26, 2013

Home for the Holidays

I am home for Christmas. I AM HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!

This has been made possible largely due to my stay in Pearl House, the missionary base where I handled hospitality in exchange for rent these last few months in Italy. Thanks Alisa!

This time last year I was in Rome, and while it was lovely I've got to admit it wasn't quite the same. My first Christmas and New Year completely away from family.

Well, now I'm home and everyone's asking me what my next steps are. How do I tell people "I don't know" without sounding completely out of touch with reality? I can't not know.

The impossibility of my situation makes it seem even more likely that God has His hands in it. You see, if I perceive this situation to be beyond my human efforts of making it happen (and trust me, it is...), then the only recourse left for me is to rely on God. And that's where the magic happens. And boy oh boy do I want something to happen.

Coming home literally felt like stepping into some alternate reality.
Little boys running around, excited about Christmas presents, already so much bigger than the last time I saw them. Already beginning to walk through the world as young men.

Big girls experiencing big woman problems and stepping up into those shoes far too soon.

Being home, my heart is filling and breaking all at once. Not just because of my family and friends here, but also for what I've left behind. As much as I've talked about my desires to settle and be closer to my family, my fears of never being able to find a husband who has the same calling and passions I do to travel, lead worship, teach, and walk in the Spirit, I'm not ready to give this all up.

I'm not ready to settle down.

I'd rather traipse around Italy, Poland and wherever else God calls me, working in communities, writing worship songs, and leading worship. Oh that my life's work could be leading worship!

As I seriously contemplate the life of a nomadic (at least for now) missionary, I wonder how on earth this is ever going to work. I mean, really. It's not like I have a long-term visa just...but wait, I think I do. I claim it now, Jesus!

Such rational and perfectly mommy acceptable thoughts to dissuade me from my travels have entered my head, such as:

  • where and how I'll live (especially legally)
  • student loans?-how are they going to get paid?
  • on that note, what would I be living off of? my current source of income isn't exactly bounteous
  • what is it exactly I'll be doing to advance the kingdom? I want spoilers!
It's up to me trust and wait on God. He will provide. Always.

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